For many of us we spend a lot of our lives trying to find a balance in what should be a healthy relationship. Even with those efforts, we still have countless disappointments, heart breaks, confusions, and constant miscommunications that leave us with a huge pit in our stomachs.
So often, we come to the conclusion that the relationship is lacking in what we truly thought we wanted. But what is it that we want exactly? Many times, we think we want someone who will bring me flowers every day or will go on adventures with me or maybe will go out dancing with me. While those are wonderful wants, we really need relationships where we feel seen, heard, and feel safe to share and relationships that will encourage and support us.
Am I Healthy in My Relationships?
What are the healthy qualities of a relationship? What exactly is a healthy quality? Are my qualities unhealthy, is that why that we keep finding ourselves in similar situations? Is it me? Well yes, it is us, but there is not anything wrong with it being ourselves, because after all this is our lives, we are the author, publisher, and designer of our relationships. We have the authority to figure out what a healthy relationship looks like for us.
Now, here comes the uncomfortable part—you are the person who decides who and what is healthy for you. This may mean having to cut out some friends, some habits, a job, and even some family members. Awkward, yes, difficult, yes but can be completely necessary.
Think About Your Relationship For a Moment.
Let’s think about how you feel around others:
- Think about moments where you feel at peace, comfortable. It can also be moments where you felt financially stable, was finally able to live on your own or felt really good about a conversation you had with someone. Think of those instances and take notice of what you are feeling in your mind, body, soul, and spirit during these times.
- In those moments, what was happening, where were you, and what were you doing?
- Who was around you, what were those people doing?
- Most importantly, did you feel loved and safe?
In those moments, did it feel like you were close to the sun? Was it warm from the inside out? This may be a weird concept to wrap your head around, but that feeling of warmth and comfort is the core in a healthy relationship. Everything else in life will be chaotic, but those healthy relationships should make you feel comforted, and warm like the sun does. This does not mean those relationships will not challenge you, make you uncomfortable or be difficult, however, there will be patience, kindness, and a whole lot of warm love.
Healthy Relationships Don’t Just Happen.
Healthy relationships take time, and they take work. You do not wake up one morning and you are this amazing fitness guru, it takes practice, learning, time, and patience. All relationships will take continued focus and effort. When we find healthy people, we will want to develop and grow our relationships with them. The effort will be worthwhile because we will benefit from those relationships and continue to grow as a person.
Remember, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Strange right, but really, what do you love most about yourself, what are some of the not so nice things you tell yourself, would you say those things to other people? Is this a healthy relationship? It may sound a bit strange but self-reflection or personal conversations are not only healthy but very vital.
So often we get so used to how some relationships have been, we can forget or even stop noticing that they are not healthy but actually harmful to us. For example, a family member you have been extremely close with for years has continuously taken advantage of your generosity and kindness. They make no effort to reach out to you unless it benefits them. When you do need something, they brush off your feelings, and give you some excuse why they cannot help or meet your needs in some way. You love this person dearly, but realize after years of their behavior, you have enabled an unhealthy relationship. How do you now pull back from giving so freely and constantly of yourself to this person? This dynamic is important to you, but it is unhealthy. It is one-sided and unfairly yoked.
First, it is important to take a step back and evaluate where you have come up a little short, and how can you correct this, make it better for both people. Realizing that you are human and so is the other person, each living their own truths. No one is wrong here, but someone has been presented with a hurt and would like to fix that hurt.
This is the part where the relationship you have with yourself needs to take center stage. Before you can begin to work through the conflict with the other person, you need to take some time, figure out what it is you would like to express and the concerns you have. This is going to be an uncomfortable conversation filled with a lot of confrontation, but this is healthy confrontation and is vital. Knowing your needs and how you want to work on this problem is crucial in working through issues in relationships.
You Deserve Healthy. Relationships
The most important thing to any healthy relationship really begins with the one you have with yourself. Take an inventory of what you need, be mindful and kind to yourself. Through it all you deserve to have healthy relationships.
Healthy Can Grow Out of Unhealthy.
By choosing to take the time to reflect and determine your own needs and then working on resolving the issues in a healthy way, an unhealthy relationship can grow into a healthy relationship. By knowing yourself and what you need in your relationships, by working on communication skills and conflict resolution you can make huge strides in strengthening your relationships and bringing them back to a healthy life-giving relationship.
Not All Relationships Can Be Healthy.
This is where true relationships really begin to build and take hold in your life. It is a natural way to allow relationships to either blossom or end. Whatever the aftermath, whether it is a fall out or growth, it is okay. Not every relationship we have is forever, many may be just for a season. But for those relationships that are long-term, the work that you put into making them healthy will be so worth the effort as you continue to thrive and grow in those cherished relationships.
Growth & Support As You Strengthen Relationships – Therapy in Greenville, SC
If you need help in better understanding what a healthy relationship or maybe figuring out how to work on an unhealthy relationship, our therapists are here for you. They would love to walk through this journey with you and help as you evaluate, work on, and celebrate the healthy relationships in your life. For more information, please check out our relationship page on our website: https://upstaterestorativecounseling.com/relationship-issues/