When situations arise, yours and others, is your first thoughts toward fixing the issue? You wouldn’t be alone. Many feel as thou they should or are able to fix everything. Many believe they are great at fixing all their own situations so they believe they can then, fix their own partner, fix the lives of those around them if only people would listen to them. Sound familiar in you or in someone you know? Overcoming the need to fix everything can be a hard healing path. Understanding why we try to fix and how to overcome that need to fix is our topic today, so let’s dive right in.
Why Do I Try to Fix Everything?
One of the largest reasons we try to fix things and other people comes from our own need to control things. Sometimes we tire of hearing someone talk about the same issue over and over, and instead of processing our own thoughts and feelings of why we don’t want to hear our friend, we try to take control. We often feel so bad for others when hearing their circumstances that we feel we know the answer that will help them. Often we response from a place of our own discomfort of hearing someone else’s experience or situation. But how do you stop those thoughts when you hear someone else? Today, we will cover some suggestions. Below are some common indicators that you could struggle with trying to fix others. Do you recognize any within yourself?
- You feel a strong urge to step in and help
- You feel other people’s happiness is your responsibility
- Do you nag others to do things better, be better
- Do you often “know a better way”
- Do you feel you know what is best for someone
- Are you stressed over issues that are not yours
These are some suggestions that could reveal that you try to fix others. Do you relate to these? If so, I am thankful you can be honest with yourself. Being honest about what we see in ourselves is important to overcoming the need to fix others. Want to understand more about why we should not try to fix others? Keep reading.
Why Fixing Others Isn’t A Good Thing.
Often, the desire to help others comes from a place of compassion and care. But sometimes, the need to fix others comes from a completely different place. It is important to know the difference. Not only can you not fix other people, trying to do so can cause major damage within relationships. When someone confides their feelings or situation to you, they don’t need a fix, they need you to listen, really listen. Constantly trying to fix someone else sends a condescending message. This can, in the end, make the person who tried to open up to you, feel worse. Below are few things to consider that could result in people trying to fix another person.
- Codependency can form in the relationship
- Fixers often attract others that need to first do some self-work
- This personality often times neglects themselves
- Relationships become one sided
- Relationships can turn into long and unhealthy mental challenges
Desiring to help someone is a wonderful offering to another person. The need to fix others can come from a wound in yourself that needs healing. Overcoming the need to fix others is necessary to build and maintain healthy relationships. Is any of this information resonating with you? Are you ready to take a step to break the habit of try to fix other people? The below suggestions could help.
How do I Stop Fixing People?
The first thing to try and understand when taking on this boundary for yourself is this, you can not control other people, what they say, what they do or what they think. Period. The only person anyone can control is themselves. Knowing we shouldn’t try to fix other people or their circumstances and then deciding our actions are harmful, is a different choice. There are studies that can show we only truly change what we truly believe we should. When we have a better understanding that trying to fix others is harmful, this can encourage us to learn better ways to support and encourage others. So after you have taken time to process your actions and why you try to fix someone, it may be time to take a step toward change. Would you like some practical steps to take to help you learn to not fix people? Maybe the below can help.
- Know the reason why you are trying to fix, anything other than love, remain quiet
- Listen to what is said, only offer an opinion if it is asked for
- Hear what is said and try to understand their perspective, not the fix
- Affirm what is said, for example “I can hear you are upset, I would be too”
- Focus on their words, not your thoughts
Overcoming the need to fix others can be hard, especially if there is an underlying wound within you that is unresolved. If you have tried to work on relationships, but are still struggling, you are not alone. Upstate Restorative Counseling can help. We have a team of counselors who desire to help you establish steps of overcoming the need to fix others.